2004-02-02|1:03 p.m.
I had a pretty nice weekend. Jessi, Mike, and Kyle came down to visit and we went out every night.
I started smoking and it makes Mike really upset with me. I just wanted to do it for a short time to have had the experience. I will probably stop as soon as my friends all leave. Most are either starting fulltime work or moving far away. So, my nights of wild fun will draw to a close.
I also smoked some pot this weekend. I was at a party and some people shared some with me. I really liked that particular kind. It was easy on me and I just felt really nice. So, it got me to thinking it might be alright to try smoking that stuff that did me under with Kelly.
And I smoked a little of that with my friends. But as soon as I did I started into phase three of what I felt last time, which is basically falling in and out of coherence and then being paranoid that you seem ridiculously stupid while it is happening. The funny thing is� no one could even notice that I was high. So, it really was paranoia and I even remember thinking it was while it was happening. I worried for about two hours and it was all in vain.
The biggest fault of it was going to a bar while it was happening. But I guess I survived.
And I honestly don�t know how these things work, but I think it is that particular kind that makes me all disoriented in a bad way.
I don�t know why recently I have been on this kick to do things I wouldn�t normally. It is within safe reason. I am not off being promiscuous or taking dangerous hardcore drugs in alleyways. But I feel this need to affirm who I am and what it means to be me.
The other day I even ate meat! And for the particular dish, I liked it. I think that�s something big for someone who has been a vegetarian for five years.
I wonder why this is happening now. Is it being single for the first time in my life, really? I belong to myself and now I don�t know what to do with me? Or am I just simply 22 and defining myself? It is so not even a big deal, but with Mike mad at me, it feels like it. Why do I have this particular expectation to fulfill?
This brings a sudden feeling of anger to me. I am the kind of person that welcomes people into my life completely; and like bad guests in homes, the occasional one will tell you how to run the house you�ve welcomed them in. I am constantly mindful of other�s feelings; so much so, that most people mold and shape my behaviors. Why cannot I just do what I want to do? Maybe this is my need to break boundaries of who I am lately. It is my announcement that I don�t have to listen to you telling me how you want me to do it.
The only thing is�is this how I want to do it?
Probably not in the long term; but for now, I really just want to be carefree and to see and feel things I wouldn�t normally.
I was at a bar with Anna and Jessi and a super cute pixie girl came up to me and told me I was really beautiful.
It was really nice. It is so much more a compliment to be hit on by a girl rather than a boy. I don�t think I even need to explain why.
I have lived at my mom�s for a year.
For as different as my mom and I are, she�s really awesome. She really treats me as an adult (with the exception that in her Christian home no boys are allowed when she is not present).
So, I appreciate that because so many of my friends who came back to live with their parents have a problem with that very thing.
But it is as if there is more to it than that, my mom really wants me to go out and have fun. Occasionally, she will even buy me beer and food. I just like being here. I have no complaints. I think it is a good stress free place to be before I will be gone for a couple years in the Peace Corps.