2003-12-25|12:28 p.m.
It�s funny how I went years without it really feeling like any holiday�especially Christmas. Don�t get me wrong, I am not one of those people who feel bitter against the holiday complaining that it is commercialized or forced or even detracting from Jesus himself. Those complaints are easily made moot by the clich�: things are what you make of it. If you want it to be more meaningful then go right ahead. And that rule was applying to me. In fact, most of my time in the past few years was lacking something and it was because I myself lacked the ability to say, �this means something to me because ____.� I instead looked to enchantment or something, I think. I wanted good feelings to come from nowhere and nestle themselves in my chest. Naturally, they didn�t. And I felt pretty empty.
Not completely though. I had A and friends and my family. And those things were nice when they went well. But I missed out on things I am sure. I was so introverted that I forgot to enjoy things outside myself.
This last year was that. I grew the bad habits of self-centeredness. The two worst ones were:
1. I need everyone to like me even my enemies.
2. When things don�t go my way, I shut down.
These things kept me from being happy. When I said that I had a bad year, it really was because I had a bunch of pretty emotionally traumatic things happen. But instead of finding ways to make it better for myself, I mostly just found ways to ignore the better fortune I had and made things worse. A and I are no longer (will we ever be?). I started out UCSD with a mediocre start when my grades really matter to the next steps in my life. A painful, sudden breakup left me with no options other than moving into my mom�s place, which is a place full of rules I have never had exposure to and a person I haven�t lived with since I was eight. I had relationships with nice people and couldn�t make them work because I was tied to my love to someone who isn�t ready to love me (or might never be?). And every major relationship woe seemed to come during midterms or finals week. What was with that?!
So, I was driving home last night after taking MM to the High Desert (Apple Valley, hometown to us both) to be with his family. It is a two and a half hour trip if conditions are optimal. This time though being winter, it was raining the whole way and as I approached the Cajon Pass on the 15 freeway which is the point at which you leave the High Desert and enter the more metropolitan areas. The Cajon Pass is known for being a trap for accidents. Once a year it seems like there is always a hundred car pile-up, I kid you not. Fog settles into that area a lot and makes it hard for drivers to see. And it�s a mountain pass and everything is steep and slippery and of course like any good mountain pass it has cliff sides.
I like driving on it because it�s much more beautiful than it is scary. You can see far into the valley below and all the lights are twinkling and sometimes there is a train going through the canyon and there is just something really simple about emerging like that which makes me feel really wonderful.
This time, as the weather was pretty suboptimal, the trek down the pass was a little scary at first. It was more than fog and more than rain. I had to drive through an actual rain cloud. Moisture was clinging to every molecule of air. Isn�t that pretty amazing that air is matter too? Like it shocks me that even though I cannot see it�it is a thing of substance. Anyway, it was saturated and I could barely see five feet before me. Everyone was driving 30 miles an hour as we blindly drove around the steep curve, feeling our way around like a blind woman on a busy street.
It was so amazing. Everything was hazy and my headlights made it look as if there was a tunneling affect before me. All I could see was the truck�s break lights before me. Mogwai�s Rock Action was playing and it made the whole thing playing out before me feel surreal. I got lost in my mind wandering through memories of the last year. I thought of A.
I realized that I was bearing an unnecessary weight. I would not allow myself to heal because I was going about it all wrong. I was always hoping that things would get better and we�d return to what we were.
Instead, I needed to accept the past and forbid myself from dwelling on the future. I needed to live the present. I will leave A alone�completely. No contact. It is the very best thing for me (and maybe him).
I will also keep my love for him pure. I know that sounds crazy, huh? But why pervert it? Of course there were things that happened that I am pretty angry and hurt over. There are also things that I am ashamed of myself. But there was a limitless amount of really wonderful things about my first true love and relationship. And I have to refuse myself the process, which I think is actually pretty unhealthy, of hating what was there to get past it. I will always love A. I think it has to be like that. It doesn�t go away. And why make what it was, in my mind, any less wonderful than it was. I fell completely in love! How fucking amazing is that? And it was love at first sight! Honest and pure and bittersweet. How can I not look back upon these six years and not smile? So, that�s what I will do. I will smile.
And I will let go for the first time. I think that�s what I always needed, but could never do. To show that I really do love him�I needed to just let go. I cannot make someone love me as I do them. I love him enough that it matters not that it is not returned.
The early mornings are hardest. But they are already getting easier to take. It�s a matter of holding steadfast to what was better rather than what is painful.
And the rest of the trip home, I just thought about my year and how I could get past my insecurities and make next year better.
So, that�s what driving through a rain cloud did for me, strangely enough. I grew up some. It�s Christmas and it feels wonderful to be with my mom and brother. I love them both very much. This is how it is supposed to be.
Merry Christmas friends!
Oh, and the dogs were found at the pound. Isn't that a great ending?
Update: I think I am doing pretty well not talking to A when I hold back from showing him this comic: