2003-12-03|2:28 a.m.
In good news, the paper that was late (and got even more late as I put it off) was accepted without penalty because I got brave and told the professor the truth and that seemed to work. So, hopefully the paper is good enough to not get a sucky grade.
Doesn�t my page look weird without my super gold membership? I am sad that I have to wait until next quarter (a couple weeks) to get money to buy another year. I hate being this poor. I have 0 dollars in the bank and everyone wants money from me. Plus, my truck, believe it or not, doesn�t drive on an empty tank.
I guess it�s not that bad. I do have a place to live and that�s free for the time being. Thanks Mom.
I got the lame flu that is going around and I got it bad. It makes: my body ache, my nose runny, my throat hurt, my chest hurt, and my head spin.
That reminds me of a dumb joke I know:
�If your feet smell and your nose runs then you�re all backwards.�
When I first fell in love, I knew it because it was the first time I felt truly mortal. I thought about dying and it felt catastrophic. I�d lay there next to the person and think about the blood pumping in their veins and their heartbeat I could barely hear. Their breath would go in and out. It was all so beautiful and fragile and had nothing to do with me. It could end and I�d not be able to do anything about it.
The same was true with me, I thought. I am fragile too. I could die and never have this person occupy my senses again.
Love is really selfish even when it�s not meant to be.
I remember boarding the plane last year to NYC for the National Model UN competition and feeling a strong ache in my chest. I am a little afraid of flying, but not so much because I am afraid of death itself.
I am afraid of dying when the threat of dying is present without someone I love. It�s not that I want them to share harm either. I just don�t want to die without one last affirmation of their existence as I know it.
It�s all very melodramatic when I talk about it this way, but it takes that to notice it sometimes.
It�s not only melodramatic though. The little things are mixed with the bigger picture too. It is not epic without the little details. The ocean is vast, right? But it is comprised of a gazillion living organisms and even more molecules which make up those living organisms too. You could go on forever into what things are comprised of as much as you can go on forever into the space those things occupy. Space, at a certain point, begins to look a lot like things do when you break them down into molecules. Isn�t that amazing?!
Just about everything is unfathomable, including the abstract like love and the tangible like an ocean, at some point or level. Forever seems like the point at which we reach that exhaustion.
And forever seems like a nice time to remain in love with you.
Oh, and I want to see the Paris Hilton sex tape.