2002-10-29|6:07 p.m.
I wanted to announce the good news:
That ALEX guy and I are engaged and are to wed next week after all my midterms. I know this is wonderful news to you all. You must be excited to hear that we are going to have like a million babies all named Jeb and Lurlene. Spread all the good genes in the world, that is the idea.
Here is a love chat:
ALEX: millisa
shesajarofcandy: what?
ALEX: hahah ur name is milissa
shesajarofcandy: no, my name is m
ALEX: nice i have a dog her name is mellisa
ALEX: joke baby
ALEX: i like u
shesajarofcandy: that's sweet
ALEX: did u have let say u farted and made # 2 in ur pants
(yeah, I have no idea what that means either)
ALEX: i did just now
ALEX: i cant get up
ALEX: flies and more flies around my butt
shesajarofcandy: man, you are charming
shesajarofcandy: no wonder all the ladies love you
ALEX: ;-)
ALEX: THAT THE WAY I AM
ALEX: i dont hide whats there
shesajarofcandy: uh huh, you certainly don�t
ALEX: its all natural and smelly sometimes
ALEX: but i have to deal to live with it
ALEX: so whats up
ALEX: im apoet
shesajarofcandy: yeah, a master of the english language
ALEX: GROW UP AND LIKE THE WAY I TALK TO U CUZ U NO BETTER THEN MY DOG ON THE PORCH
ALEX: SO FUCK U HARD
See, the love just oozes from us.
Yeah, so I have midterms tomorrow and next week. This means that I should be studying. And, I am. I am just taking a little break. Promise.
So, more than a year ago I started to write an autobiography. I split it up into two parts, but only the first part was actually completed. I left this really lame cliff hanger:
�My parents began to fight much more than usual and my dad confessed a huge secret to my mother and me.
Will continue later�.�
Duh-Nuh-Nuuuh (a little onomatopoeia, if you will)
So, what he told us was that he was a transvestite (or better known as gender dysphoric), meaning he was a woman trapped in the body of a man. But, that he had only learned the actual term fairly recently and thought his whole life he was insane.
It came as a shock to the whole family.
My dad never ended up making the change. He wanted to, but things have always made it impossible: the divorce court system, money (it is very, very expensive), and eventually meeting and falling in love with my wonderful, yet extremely religious, step-mom.
We don�t talk about it very much anymore. He will die a man. But, I know that it still bothers him very much. Self actualization is so vital to our very being. He will always be missing that in some way. It is pretty tragic, when you think about it.
But, for me it has been an excellent experience, aside from my utmost sympathy for my dad. I have had the ability to really grasp a situation that very many people misunderstand. I would argue that gender dysphorics are more abused, either through social behavior or actual physical harm, than any other marginalized group. We either love campy movies about singing and dancing men dressed up as women; or abhor the idea of sharing a restroom with a gender imposter thinking them perverted in some way. Actually, the other day a conversation in my breakroom at work went like this:
�Yeah, so have you seen that one man that is dressed up like a woman come in here?�
�You mean the cross dresser with short hair?�
�Yeah, the ugly one.�
�Yeah, you can totally tell he is not a woman.�
�It is disgusting.�
�You know what is really bad?�
�What?�
�He went into the girl�s bathroom while I was using it.�
�Oh my god, that IS disgusting.�
�Yeah. But, Debby made a good point the other day. It would be weirder for guys if he went into the guy�s bathroom.�
�Yeah.�
�You know, that is when you just hold it and go at home.�
And, like always, I hold my tongue. I know, shame on me. It is hard though. I have to function with these people on a regular basis. They can easily make my life miserable for simply being a fair individual.
And maybe I�d be like them if I didn�t have the opportunities that I have had. Who knows?
You see, this woman comes into the store all the time. I help her pick out a nice shade of lipstick, walk her to the vitamin C, or point her to that bathroom. And the best thing is, I really like her (plus, she named herself M). And I�d never call �her� a �he�. Because early on, I have learned to accept and respect people for such a courageous transition. I grew up around transgendered people�those who have made the change, those in limbo, and those coming to terms with it. And the amazing thing: they are just people. Some are cranky; some are nice; some are thoughtful; some have bad taste in music; some drive nice cars; some own dogs. It is all pretty random. Some are even like the ones you see in movies all glammed up and over the top. Some are the ones that make people nervous because they try to live normal lives and do really absurd things like use the public restroom.
And this understanding I've gained all came from living with my dad, someone I love very much. And if he ever made the change, it�d make no difference to me. Maybe, I�d even be happier, because he�d most likely be happier. But, he�d still be my dad, the guy who flies planes, sails boats, lives like Thoreau in the beautiful woods, collects his antiques, drinks good beer, lives as an amazingly honest and compassionate person, loses his temper easily, loves his family, and works very hard.
And where my dad has a hole in his life, I have gained something. I have even more reason to love freely.