2002-03-21|9:22 a.m.
At work, I don't have many friends. Most of them are adults or kids in high school, and not only do I not fit into their peer circle for whatever reason but we are also just different. There is, however, a guy here named MZ that I get along with. He is also very gay. He had never admitted it to me, but his showmanship makes it apparent. All the stereotypical gestures and phrases are in play. And this makes me a girl in a romantic comedy in some way-- the girl who has a gay friend. Except I am far too guarded (yes, even though I write in an online diary for all to read) to confess anything of importance to him. We do have fun though, he and I. I love to make fun of him in fact.
"Are you having a bad day, M? Because you are making fun of me more than usual," he whines.
"No MZ, when I make fun of you, it is a good day," I chime.
J has started up writing emails to me again. My heart leaps when I see them in my inbox, and then plunges at the idea that in some ways I do make him sad. I think I will finally begin talking to him again when I get back from New York. But, in some ways I can't imagine that me being a part of his life in that way could be good for either of us. It just got too intense, as he might put it. It is the sort of thing that could break me, I imagine. It is horrible of me to feel this way, but the idea of him not caring for me devastates me. I know I don't deserve it. Yet, in many ways my very being yearns to have him feel the same longing that I do. Selfish, huh?
And A and I are doing very well believe it or not. We are almost never fighting. And I can't help but feel warm at the idea of being with him.
There is a supervisor, probably in his fourties, my work who I am pretty sure has the hots for me, which is funny to me. That aside, he has a Robert Crumb tattoo! And I talked to him about it yesterday. I think he liked the idea that I like those types of comics, but at the same time was sort of shocked. Most people that know me superficially are always shocked that most my thoughts and actions are outside of the PG range. It is funny to me. In some ways they are right to think that way. I am completely na�ve and silly like a young girl, and in other ways, um, well, I am not. I can never live in any realm of life, neither saintly nor hell-bound, but I can walk among them all.
I just want to apologize for talking about starving kids in Africa so much lately. It was all stupid and trite.
Yesterday, the security lady caught a comedic shoplifter who she described as "a hot thang." He had to fill out paperwork and in the section asking why he shoplifted he wrote, "I don't know why. I am losing my mind. I am certainly not a good thief and this proves it." Well, I thought it was funny.
Yesterday, Nic's rich, doctor, uncle bought all of us (a big group) dinner. During dinner, he began explaining his daughter's wedding expenses. The dress was a Vera Wang design: $6,000. The 200 guests were all paid for: $120 each. Not including other expenses, this comes to $30,000. I wanted to tell him he could just pay for me to go to college. Then, I just remembered to finish eating his dinner he bought me.
Word of the Day: irrefragable- impossible to refute/ impossible to break or alter