2002-03-20|3:57 p.m.
This will probably be my last entry before I leave for New York for the National Model United Nations competition. I am nervous, and a bit stressed out. But, it is not just because of the upcoming week. My week has been insanely busy with several bouts of bad luck.
My stepsister and I were served our first set of eviction paperwork. And we are to leave the place the week I am going to be in New York. The eviction was anticipated (it is a long story in which I truly believe we come out the good guys). But, moving this week is the last thing I should be doing. Most of my stuff is packed up. Almost everything is going to be kept packed up so that when A and I go off to college, it will be ready. While in Tab's new apartment, I will just live like a minimalist with nothing but my essentials, which still includes a few books. For me this is a huge modification, because I have always lived among walls of books. We'll see how I fair for those couple months.
Our electricity is also off for some unknown reason. The bill isn't due until the first of the month and they never sent us a notice. T is calling today (from another phone because without electricity we don't even have that) to clear it up.
MZ, C/N, and J all came to Apple Valley to visit family and friends the same week as well. I have been trying to spend as much time with them as I can. It doesn't, however, leave me any time to study for UN like I should be doing.
I have no money. I need money. That problem is simple.
C keeps saying things to me like, "I am a little too grown up for that now." For God sakes, she is only going to be 21. When I am around her I feel like a child. She could coddle me in one arm while holing Madison (her two-year-old daughter) in the other.
I hate that the only reason we have so much not in common is because I didn't have a baby.
We are very different people as well though. She asks me why I care about where I shop, what I buy, and what I eat. Those concerns are as she says, "Not for us to worry about. Leave it to the businessmen and lawyers."
"Yeah, but who is supposed to care?" I ask. "I can't imagine that those who are making profit off these things should care."
"That," she pauses, "is for you to worry about. You can change those things when you go into law." I stop and think.
"I am not asking anyone to lose sleep. But it is no one's sole responsibility. We, the world, must make changes. Otherwise, it will never matter. Ever," I say. We order breakfast and never resume the conversation.
It feels strange to me that people I care so much about don't even know or care about things that concern me. I feel like a ghost, floating above grounded pessimism, which has been solidified for hundreds of years by greed, mistrust, and naivet�. And still, I am still a part of this world. I participate in both the good bad and grey.
I wish people didn't feel the need to make you feel bad for these things or thinking this way. I am not trying to make people feel guilt. I just want them to understand that I do have reasons for being me. They can have reasons for being them.
I have been wearing my hair in a straight braid down my back. It is still a bit short so I am not quite looking like a little Indian, but it is nice. I like wearing braids.
While driving home from LA from the All Tomorrow's Parties concert that A went to (I hung out with MM), we passed a car completely engulfed in flames in the rain. It was an eerie sight, like something from a bad music video.
The other day we were driving and I saw a man getting out of his car to go yell and another driver. I felt myself reach for the door handle. Luckily, he just yelled. I think I would have been stupid enough to go out there and try to stop him.
I just wish that this next week would pass by quickly. I am tired of doing everything in the idea that this next week will come.
I remember when I was younger I wanted to be a nun. Sorta like Winona Ryder's character in Mermaids. I wasn't, and still am not, Catholic. But, I relished in the idea that I could lock myself away from wrongdoings and set my life to only do good. I would sit alone and dream of God, read books, and only leave my room to do charity. Mind you, I don't know much about nuns, except for what movies have depicted. And I was and am not in any pious much like the girl in Mermaids. I only wanted to be a good person, and knew early that it would be both arduous, and would require times the need to completely remove myself from even the chance of doing anything wicked. I have instead opted for a world amongst you where I am constantly doing wrong.
I really enjoyed being with MM. It seems that he is always on the same beat as me, and that is rewarding. MM and I simply lounged about his apartment talking and watching a move (First Love, Last Rites).
He even treated me to lunch and dinner. And soon we will all (A, MM, maybe MZ, and me) go see Clem Snide!
Word of the Day: verbicide- deliberate distortion of the sense of a word (as in punning)