2001-08-10|8:19 p.m.
I had to go to a funeral the other week and failed to write about it. Or maybe I was just postponing it.
It was my boyfriend�s cousin Carlos, and we had never met in life. He was the same age as my boyfriend and only a year older than me. They say he was out partying late one night and this car drove up to the car he and his friends were in and they both started saying things to one another and then the other car shot at their car and a bullet hit him in the back somehow and killed him. Luckily, no one expected me to go up to the body and look at it. It wouldn�t have been good anyway. I didn�t know him, and felt strange and out of place even being there. I did, however, see him. From where I stood far off, his skin seemed green, probably from the makeup and lack of blood. For some reason, I had the ability to hold in every tear.
At the church on the wall was the quote, �Have patience. This world is not perfect. Never was. Never will be.� Perfect advice, I think.
I have to start school again. After this semester, I will have my AA. And I will be off to my four-year university as a junior. Then, I�ll take my LSTATs. Then, it is off to a law school. It feels like I am running behind these plans, not running them.
Someday, I will have kids I think. My friend Sati says that you should not think of names for the children that you would have until they live within you. I think that is a beautiful idea. But, still. I can�t help myself. If I have a boy his name might be Rainer. If I have a girl, her name might be Lilith Ava.
Sean Penn once said, �Wanna make god laugh? Tell him your plans.�
I wonder if god laughs at me a lot. I laugh at him sometimes. For example: dust devils. Sometimes, I stop my car and stare at them till they die. Then, I giggle to myself. Who wouldn�t?
A lot of people tell me they are atheists, including that boyfriend of mine. I am not religious, and a lot of time I spend doubting my faith in a lot of things. But, I just couldn�t make myself certain that you could figure things out by doubting them. For me it seems to make more sense to think of �God� as the variable of unknown things, beautiful and horrific, and like all good math problems it will take a lot more than assuming there is no solution.
Plus, it just feels better putting something in place of X or Y.
I gave blood yesterday. It felt so good. Plus, loosing a pint of blood took away my headache for awhile.
Saturday, I am supposed to go out with some girls from work that I don�t know very well and go �clubbing�. First off, I don�t go �clubbing�. Second, I don�t go �clubbing�. Yeah, I think you get the picture.
The town I live in is fairly small for something that exists in Southern California. It is basically an old cowboy town (which seems romantic to me), where Roy Rogers and Dale Evans lived (some of the most famous western movie actors/actresses to ever live) until they just recently passed away. Unfortunately, probably because of this background information I just gave you, a lot of the people who live here are very conservative--- to the point that they bother themselves in politics enough to crimp and wrinkle others lives while ignoring politics enough to see that the things they involve themselves with are not ideologies, but people.
The newspaper in my town is very conservative as well. A recent editorial about the WTO complained that those protesting have no clue about politics, are selfish because they have individual causes and not a collective one, and that WTO is a blessing to people in developing countries because it will better their working conditions and improve their lifestyle (no facts or evidence was ever produced at any point in the article, by the way). The best part though was at the end, where it said that even if it does not help the people in these countries, at least it would give them some kind of work. I really love that sentiment. If people are in the �down and out,� we should really take advantage of them, because they should be grateful for even that. As if the other option, to actually help them was never a question. This kind of stuff scares me.
When I watch �Crumb,� I wonder, would R. Crumb ever want to sleep with me?
Word of the Day: improvident - not provident/ not foreseeing and providing for the future.
Last lines from Gross Point Blank (paraphrasing a bit, maybe): �People say, you should forgive and forget, and I don�t know. I say, forget about forgiving and accept---and get the hell out of town.�