2003-10-15|9:13 p.m.
I�ve been swamped and tired and pushing myself too hard. I was supposed to go to Dress for Success this afternoon after my classes to help sort clothes from this massively successful suite drive that someone did for us, but instead I stayed home and took a nap. The stress was making me emotional and clingy to people I like most and I didn�t like myself like that. Some of it was justified in feeling that way, but how I then externalize feelings needs to grow up some. I really just need a friend like I had back in grade school and middle school. I�d like to have someone who always wants to see me and who I always want to see. I need a Michelle to my Romy.
I am lonely.
I spend a greater majority of my time alone. I mean, K and I have been hanging out more. We ride into school together and get lunch for an hour three times a week. But the rest of my time on campus I walk, eat, and sit alone. And though being alone and feeling lonely aren�t the same, this is the point it starts to feel like being alone.
That�s partly my fault. I only rarely strike up conversation with people. Everyone seems to know someone already (the major downside of being a junior year transfer into a university) and the few times people approach me or respond to me they become a stranger again the next session of class when their friend is back. People seem to have their chosen packs and if I try to talk to one in the group I am merely an outsider.
This is not to say I don�t like solitude. Most days I am satisfied with this. One or two people I see on a regular basis like K, AN, and A feeds my social needs. I like the long walks at school alone amongst the trees and the people-watching adventures I have.
It�s only recently I�ve felt detached from things. I want affection and small talk and jokes and someone to make gifts for.
This last Saturday I went to LA and saw Mates of State at the Troubador with MM and A. It was fun.
I saw A�s friend L there. I always want to talk to her. And I have a few times. She used to take a shuttle to Hillcrest that I take and we walked and talked together a couple times. She�s an awesome girl who takes photos, studies film, has a radio show at UCSD, knows a million things about indie music, and is graciously unassuming.
Mates of State were pretty awesome. When I first heard them I wasn�t as interested, but as I learned more about them (a married couple from Lawrence, KS who are also grade school teachers) I grew more and more interested. Their newest album Team Boo has been on my Winamp rotation for a couple weeks. I like it a lot and seeing them live has won me over.
I also liked their openers a bit. The Thermals, who opened first, were ok. I liked the singer�s voice and the energy of the girl bassist. I really like I am the World Trade Center. I learned that night that the girls in MofS and IatWTC are sisters. They do in fact look similar, but both have unique voices (both from each other and from most others) and styles of music making.
I think this last show will be the last one for awhile. I am going to take a short retirement from the live music scene. My retirement package is modest: no longer having to stand next to obnoxious �ber fans who sing along too loud directly into my ear and dance and bump into me giving me bruises (it�s not a mosh show!), saving money (gas or ticket), and having more time to read for class.
The best thing about seeing shows in LA, though, was seeing MM.
Don�t forget to send your music mixes out. It�s been two weeks.
The grocery workers union strike has been pretty exciting. It�s satisfying to me to see collective action, especially in the form of unions formed by people of similar trade, at work.
K wrote a super good entry about the issue (don�t worry, he�s smart and concise and the entry is much more readable than my own). I suggest people read it.
I have honored their noble cause by not crossing a picket line, honking, smiling, waving at them as I pass, and a couple days ago I brought soda and snacks to one location. I like the idea of extending the sense of support beyond just the union and that people like myself and others I�ve seen can show solidarity for worker�s rights and interests. And K�s entry, I think, pretty much hits the nail on the head of just why their cause is so worthy and one that we as a community of workers (in and outside their union) should support.
So, at the very least you better not be crossing picket lines!
I ate Indian food last Sunday and ever since then my armpits have smelled like curry. It�s actually a nice smell. Indian food has a really pleasant fragrance to it and, now, so does my armpits.
In San Diego there�s a pirate radio station that�s been in existence about as long as I�ve lived here, but I�ve only just found out about it.
It�s really neat and you can stream it if you want. I listen to it especially Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays from 9:30-10:00 AM (PST) for a really cool political talk show this guy does who seems to be close to my own age. He�s smart, says it smart, and, basically, outside of actually seeing him, I have a total crush.
The station itself is interesting though. It�s everything you can imagine happens without the control and regulations of the FCC including the cursing, sex, untypical radio music from obscure bands, and wild political debates. Though it does bother me somewhat that kids could hear some of the things on there that I still stubbornly believe is not right to expose them to, I love the fact that someone came up with this.
I personally worked hard to fight the FCC deregulations for the express reason that I believed monopolies in this arena caused a narrowing of discourse, information outlets, and musical/entertainment exposure and I believe we as a public deserve more. And then these guys went right on past that and just made their own radio station outside of the rules that bind our consumption. As soon as I am not broke again, I promise myself to donate some money their way.
Oh, and Friday A had a birthday party full of potluck dishes and old and new friends. I was uncharacteristically friendly and extroverted and that became more so as I drank a lot. I got too drunk probably and A said I was obnoxious.
Oh well, though. I mean, I had a really good time and I didn�t do anymore than be unlike my normal mousy self. I made people laugh and argue and I got the impression that people had fun out of it.
I did lose my cool arguing with one of AN�s friends P (who is the coolest conservative I�ve ever met) by raising my voice and getting more animated and S was there to point it out to me. I felt bad about it and behaved myself from then on.
I am going to commit myself to some self cultivating (or at least I see it as positive personal change) on a scheduled basis. The things I will force myself to do:
-every Saturday I will write a letter to an editor of a newspaper or magazine;
-I will use a new word in conversation or writing everyday to strengthen my working vocabulary;
-I will always take my vitamins and walk whenever possible over driving or getting a ride in reasonable distances;
-I will smile at strangers;
-I will ask more questions and make fewer statements when talking to people. I am more interested in what they have to say anyway. Plus, I think even the best statements are made in the form of questions.
Oh, I�ve been running banners over the summer. Here they are and their successes:
This banner got at best a 3.2% clickthrough rate and at worst a 1.5%. It�s of MM and I thought it a good opportunity to do what all people should do to their best friends�humiliate them. He was actually peeing at the time and I was supposed to be watching the road for cars. Without looking (honest!), I snapped a shot of him hydrating the wilderness.
In the spirit of embarrassment, I made this banner for A. It�s actually a converstation we had via AIM. I think he�s still mad about it. This will only make it worse. It�s got a 3.3% at it�s high point and a 2.7% at it�s lowest.
This banner is artwork from Souther Salazar used without permission, but at least I am honoring him now by mentioning the fact. Plus, we met in real life so that makes us friends (if only in my mind). You should check out his artwork and his girlfriend Saele Oh's artwork too. They�re amazing. This banner got a 2.2% to a 2.5%.
More beautiful artwork from Souther which got a 1.6% each time I ran it.
I forget what this photograph is called and who took it. Scout showed me it once and I liked it enough to keep it. It got a 2.2%-2.1%.
This banner is artwork from �Sam Brown� of www.explodingdog.com. And honestly, I do know this guy. He�s friends with A now and we all hung out once after the Comic-Con. His artwork is also on the bottom of my template. He�s a cool guy. This banner got a 6.6%-4.4% making it the most successful banner I�ve run.
This banner was made for me by a pretty famous Diarylander. But he won�t let me say who made it in fear that everyone will ask him for one. So, aren�t I special? Ha ha. The actual artwork is again by Sam Brown. Anyway, it was really successful too, comparatively, at 4.6%-3%.
Another Souther piece. Cool, huh? Too bad it only got a 1% clickthrough rate. It�s too pretty to be an advertisement of sorts.
A Diarylander, boogityx2, made me this one. He has a whole entry talking about the art of banner making. It�s really funny and is easily one of my favorite entries of all time. For this reason, I had him make me one. Funny, huh? This banner got a 1.5% clickthrough rate.
And most likely, some of you who read this have seen one and that�s what brought you here. And if it means that we communicate in some way because of it, I think it�s pretty awesome. I like the idea that I�ve met so many awesome people from Diaryland. Thanks guys.
Wesley Clark, one of the Democrats running for president, said in a recent debate in AZ a line I thought was really awesome:
"There's a fundamental difference between Republicans and Democrats regarding the military. Republicans care about weapons programs. Democrats care about people."
It's a good change about to come. I can feel it.