2003-06-16|12:16 a.m.
Finals are over. My first year at a real university is over. And I messed a lot of it up. More B�s than A�s and one horrible C+. I�m not in honors standing anymore or at the GPA I need to be to get into a Master�s program. Some of it I can blame on this past year. It was a year full of a lot of pretty shitty luck. The rest was my own doing: laziness, depression, and general selfishness. In fact, I should be surprised I didn�t flunk all my classes. I was lucky to show up to half of them.
There�s a slim chance I have next year to redeem myself. The optimistic part of me believes I can do it. That I haven�t totally screwed up some of the most important chances I�ve been lucky to have is a random fire somewhere in my belly.
That I�ll only manage to screw things up more also lurks somewhere in me.
I went to Target with my mom yesterday to run some errands. She was there to buy a baby shower gift for a lady at work. So, I told her I�d find her later and look around on my own. About twenty minutes passed and I began looking for her and my brother. I didn�t find them so I went outside to see if they were waiting near the van.
Outside stood a man with a petition. As I walked by he asked if I wanted to sign it. So, I asked him what it was for.
�It�s a petition to recall Governor Gray Davis,� he answered. For those outside California or the United States for that matter, Davis is a democrat facing a huge deficit in one of the most powerful and difficult economies in the world.
The recall was started by some republicans. One of which is a assemblyman from San Diego county that donated millions of dollars to get him booted out.
I read that the petition looks somewhat hopeful for these people. And to be honest, I am not all that surprised. Davis is the sort of democrat that gets voted in because he plays on both sides enough to get things done. I don�t particularly like these types of democrats. I like the ones that just do the right thing for the people. But sometimes you have to give a little to gain even less in this game. And sadly, like Clinton, these are the sort of democrats that get elected.
And it was just last year and the year before that we were having all those problems with not having enough electricity in California. A lot of people blamed Davis for that. But they failed to actually see why the problem happened. Much like the FCC thing I wrote about a few entries back, Pete Wilson, the Governor in office before Davis and a staunch republican, deregulated the California�s utilities in 1996. He sold the plan to Californians as a way to escape high costs incurred form the building of several new nuclear plants. One of the most vocal advocates for the plan? Good ol� Enron. The plan ended up instead being a really great way for these utility companies to make a shit load of cash. $20 billion to be exact. The plan also included a freeze on prices, above national average levels, for four years (you can see how this came around to the years of the power shortages) and a block on any new power plant construction! Californians became ever increasingly dependent on out-of-state providers for their power and the market was inflated. And the coolest thing?! Davis was in office when Wilson�s shitty plan hit the fan. And he got blamed for it all.
I�m mostly not surprised though that this is happening. When the economy sucks and a lot of people don�t have work, people look for change. The problem is: are they looking in the right place?
Believing that they aren�t, I tell the man with the petition I am not interested.
�Why?� he asks. As I walk away he says, �Don�t you care about kids getting a good education?�
I walk back to him and tell him, �Yeah, of course I do. But don�t you think that�s misleading to say?�
�No, that�s what this will do,� he replies.
�What? How? Explain it to me.�
�Well, you are misinformed. Obviously you only read the other side�s argument.�
�Not really. In fact I do a lot of reading from all sides. I like to keep up on who�s doing what.�
�Well, come read this.� He holds out the petition. I remember why I am outside. I ask if he has a copy of it I can take with me to read, because I am not going to sign it anyway and I need to leave.
�No, it�s only on the petition and I can�t just give it to you,� he says. I can see he�s getting annoyed. Several potential people who could possibly �care about children getting a good education� are passing by without signing while he has to deal with me. I notice the petition has only one small paragraph on it. One small paragraph is going to explain to me how putting a republican in office will improve education for California�s children. How about looking at history to see how republican�s have notoriously cut funding from school. It�s practically their job to put the mentally ill out on the street, destroy the national economy through bizarre �trickle down� stimulus plans, pull out of international treaties like Kyoto and ABM, cut funding from the UN program, minimize the size of national parks, created misnomer policies like �Right to Work� and �Patriot Act,� create anti-immigrant laws over and over, fight with all their might against civil rights, deregulate just about everything in favor of big business, cut funding from all of the most beneficial social programs like Ameri-Corps and Head Start, cut funding from Pell Grant that helps poor kids like me go to college, etc. I could go on forever. And yes, democrats have participated in a lot of this too. But the funniest thing is, democrats aren�t supposed to do that. But it is explicitly the platforms of republicans to do these things. They make it almost too easy to cringe at.
�Well, you obviously don�t know what you�re talking about,� he says again.
�Fine,� I say and start to walk away mad.
I hear him yell out in the most sarcastic voice, �Thanks, thanks so much.�
And as I get to the van I see my mom isn�t there. I am shaking I am so mad. How can he be throwing slogans like that around. I think of a million things I wish I said while I was there as I wait. Then the wait becomes fifteen minutes. So, I go back in.
I find my mom at the registers and tell her why I am so upset. In my need to express my frustration, it�s as if I forgot who I was talking to.
�Good, I am going to go sign it.�
�Mom, please don�t. Not now. Do it online or whatever. This guy was a real jerk to me. Please,� I say. I feel like a desperate kid. And in away I am just that.
�No, I am going to sign it.� Her face looks smug.
I say in aggravation, �You don�t even know what you�re doing.� We approach the door.
�I know I don�t like Davis.�
I get meaner, �You don�t even know what that means.� She pushes the cart outside into the hot day and parks it right next to the man.
�Is this to recall Davis?�
�Yes,� the man says.
�Good, I want to sign it. I don�t like Davis,� she says again.
He sees me.
�Hello again,� I say.
For some reason, I don�t just keep walking and go to the car. I am so angry at my mom. And I am so angry at this man. I want to tell him some of the things that went through my head.
�You again.�
�Yeah, I was wondering why you threw out that slogan about kids and education. Why don�t you tell all the Mexicans and immigrant families that you're supporting a petition to put a republican in office. And tell them the truth about how republicans time and time again create anti-immigration policy?�
�Tell them what?� he seems taken back.
I go to say it all again. He interrupts me.
�I don�t target anyone. I am fair to all people no matter their race,� he says.
�So, you lie to everyone equally and give them false ideas of what they are signing?�
�I don�t target anyone,� he says again, raising his voice.
�Yeah, I know you lie to everyone to get signatures,� my voice cracks as I find it hard to speak. I am nervous facing this man and a small crowd starts to form.
My mom tells me to be quiet. She hands back the petition with her signature filled in on the last box of that page. It stares at me.
�If you know anything about law, you should know that I can have you arrested.�
I start laughing. �For what?�
�The law states that I have a right to be here. You cannot stop me. I have that right as an American.�
�I know. You sure do. I am not impeding anything��
He interrupts again, �I can have you arrested.�
�No you can�t. Try it. I am not stopping you from doing anything.�
�M, let�s go,� my mom says to me as she pushes the cart past him and off of the curb. �I�m sorry,� she says to him. �I don�t like Davis that�s why I signed it.�
He yells, �Don�t apologize. She should apologize for herself.�
As we approach the car, I am so angry and hurt. My nervousness resides and I realize what just took place.
�I can�t believe you just did that to me,� I say. I feel even more like a child as I fight back tears.
�I didn�t do anything to you.�
�Yes, you did. And you did it to me and you know it.�
�M, I don�t like Davis,� she says.
�Mom, you don�t even know what that means.� We get into the van. I am twenty-two years old and I feel like a child. Part of me is so angry at myself for letting any of this bother me. The other half is astounded that my mom would so blatantly do this to spite me.
�We�re not talking about this. You need to calm down.�
�I can�t believe you did that after I asked you not to. That guy was such an asshole to me and you let him do that to me and you played the game with him and you know it.�
�Honey, we don�t have to agree. It�s just opinions.�
�This isn�t about politics. You could have done this online or anywhere else. But you did it anyway. And you let that guy say I �should have to apologize for myself.�
�M, you attacked him. He had a right to say that to you. You don�t do that to people.�
�I told you he started talking to me first when I was outside the first time. And he is taking political action. There�s no more rational a time to talk to someone!�
�M, mom is right,� my brother, who is on two months restriction and is kissing ass majorly to get off, says.
�Shut up,� I say. He shuts up.
�You�ve been trying to impose your beliefs on me since you�ve moved in.�
I feel bad. She is somewhat right. When one of her religious stations says something ridiculous about gays or the war, sometimes I just have to ask her how she can agree. I honestly don�t even want to be mean about it. I just want to understand the rationale of hating people you will never meet. I need to understand the logic of making other people feel like they are not welcome in your world.
But I don�t feel bad enough to stop. I tell her that she doesn�t bother to find out why she doesn�t like Davis or liberals or bother to think about why she does anything political. I feel myself become sixteen years old again. Hurtful to be hurtful. Hurtful because I feel hurt.
I say finally as I get out of the car, �Just know that I wouldn�t have done that to you. I wouldn�t have interacted with someone who was mean to you. Especially if you asked me not to. And I wouldn�t have let anyone say that to you. It doesn�t matter who they are. Because you�re my mom. And the person that would tell my mom she should apologize for herself would know that I wasn�t happy with it.� I walked away.
I don�t talk to her for the rest of the night. I cry a lot. I cry because I know that in some ways I did overreact though I didn�t want to admit it. And it was pointless to talk to that man. But it was as if it wasn�t about that asshole anyway. He was an asshole. So what? I deal with them all the time.
But it was my mom.
It was the idea that it would always be like this. We would be on rival sides like gangs. And it just felt so ridiculous. It came before being mother and daughter.
And the worst thing was that I let myself behave like a kid. I�ve felt bad about it all day. I haven�t really started talking to my mom again, just because it hurts to. I think of how sad she is as a person. And I think of the things I said to hurt her. And any grudge I could ever have against her breaks me.
I know, and I talk about politics too much. And it makes me so serious. And it also makes me pretty sad. I am not suggesting to myself that I force it to become any less important to me. It will always mean a lot to me. Injustice anywhere will always have a profound effect on me. And I know that I have many limitations. But I promise to learn. I promise to grow up and get tough and smart and do whatever I can to help people. I promise. But, dammit. Learn to fight the right battles, M. And learn to forgive. Above all.
Sorry. I mean, I know this is my diary. But I am also sorry that I whine so much in it and it�s mostly later when I read it that I am sorry that I do. It may seem crazy, but weird things like the FCC deregulations do really bother me like the jerk that took your parking spot or the fight you had with your girlfriend. It�s lame, I know. But, I do it because it is my diary and it is my place to say, adkfsdfhadiiohvnvcnmvhkigfidfsiuodf. Ok.