2003-05-11|12:57 a.m.
I just got done reading Scout�s diary, which has to be one of my all time favorite diaries to read (though I probably say that about all my favorites). He made reference to the new X-Men 2 movie and it�s correlation to terrorism. I won�t rehash his brilliant observation; he�s worth reading on your own, in general. But, I do have to admit I thought, though not as thoroughly, of the same thing. There�s an especially poignant opening line of the movie that goes something like, �Sharing the world has never been a defining characteristic of mankind.� It�s amazing that comics and movies based on comics can be so utterly candid about who we are.
MM and I were talking about it� about Tolkien and the way that a story from another human being, especially gifted ones, can speak from our hearts and even more amazing, perhaps, is that they can speak from the cavernous and sometimes unpleasant parts of our hearts that we guard. Art is really amazing that way, probably for the simple fact that it is made and interpreted by us. And we like that. Which, if you think about it, might imply that we are self-interested (which is hard to argue as being untrue). But it seems less like we are simply Narcissus enamored with our own reflection, rather I do think it means that we are fascinated by the connections that we all have as beings. When we all feel so utterly alone at times and for one moment we might have the chance to know that another entity shares something with us, that is truly remarkable.
I put in my two weeks notice today. I won�t go into the boring details of it all, but I finally found the bravery to just jump from the ledge I so often cling to. It felt, though a bit uncertain, relieving. I will force myself to find something good for me. And I think I am growing to understand what that is.
I will, however, miss people, especially most of my co-workers. They are a lighthearted bunch who for no obligated reason are good to me and that means a great deal to me. There�s much to be said about people who make you laugh and smile.
While I was waiting at an intersection today, I noticed that a swarm of bees were all about my truck. Except the swarm wasn�t like you see in the movies where the bees are all condensed in what looks like a floating bush. It was like when the wind picks up and blows bits of dirt and rubbish through the air around you. Or maybe it was like light snowfall. It was really neat.
A little boy, no older than five, was crying at my work; I noticed, as I started to leave. He was standing near one of the older women who works with me in the Cosmetics department. She used the intercom, �Could Thomas�s mother please come to Cosmetics? Attention customers, could the mother of Thomas please come to Cosmetics.�
As I came in closer to him, I could see that his little face was all puffy and red. I remembered being young like that and sobbing. Your whole body sobs. Snot dripped from his nose.
I got him a tissue and told Naoma that she was a good grandma to all kids. She does, in fact, have two twin grandsons that could melt your heart. And she is a wonderful grandma to them. I think she liked hearing that.
She began rubbing his back as he laboriously drew in breaths. They walked down the aisles looking for the mom of Thomas.
Maybe seven minutes or so later, I saw the mom walk up as the little boy called out to her. Naoma asked if it was her son.
She replied flatly, �Oh, that�s bad. I didn�t even know he was gone.� It was as if someone told her she dropped a quarter.
And I hate when people are judgmental about other people�s children and parenting, but it sorta mad me ill. She didn�t even comfort him.
I could tell Naoma was mad.
On the way home from work, I was listening to that cover of �Mad World� (a song by Tears for Fears) redone for the movie, Donnie Darko.
Suddenly, and embarrassingly, my face was all wet. Big, Thomas-size tears came down my face. Snot started to leak from my nose.
I realized that I sorta felt like that little boy.
I am pretty hard on myself sometimes. I mean, I don�t do enough to say that I work too hard, but I do apply a lot of unneeded pressure.
I feel like I am not doing well enough at school. I need to pull back up to a 3.5 GPA to be able to even try to graduate with honors and to get into the Masters program I want to get into. All so I can get into a fairly good law school (which also means that I need to start occasionally studying for my LSATS). Because I really, truly want to be able to help people the best way I possibly can, to serve them, and to hopefully make their lives happier in some way. I don�t know how I arrived at the conclusion that the path meant me becoming an immigration lawyer, but I don�t think I came up with the plan anyway. The plan chose me.
So, when I feel like I am not doing as well as I should be in my classes, I think that I am somehow failing the people I will be lucky to meet in the future. And then I get depressed.
Or lost like Thomas.
So, it felt good to sob with my whole body.
Measuring merit brings beastly things out of people. Welcome a new lawyer to the world!