2003-01-05|9:59 a.m.
I wish I could say that I haven�t been writing because there�s been nothing to write about. But, that simply has not been the case.
Sleepily, I�ve been wading through my days as they unfold before me.
I guess the chain events can be simplified:
School got out for winter break. I got mediocre grades. At the same time, A broke up with me. I starting looking for a new place to live thinking our lease was up. Then, Aram thought the lease lasted another four months. I dreaded the idea of having to live in the same walls with a broken heart. Then, I was amazed by how much I liked a boy I got to know. We began seeing each other and then he left for a couple weeks to see his family in Kansas. Then, I find out our lease is actually ending at the end of January. I panic looking, and find nothing that I can afford. I decide to live with my mom, but haven�t moved in yet. A tells me he is in love with a girl he met at school, but that he wants to try things over again, nonetheless. I scratch my head at this too, and think better of it. Then, later, I cave in. The nagging emptiness becomes the only thing I want to fulfill. I break things off with the boy who was no short of wonderful. He now wants nothing to do with me. A and I still fight and all yesterday afternoon while with friends he wouldn�t show any fondness with me because �these things take time and I don�t feel affectionate today.� Ok, fine.
What this all means now:
I�ll have to drive almost an hour to work and an hour back for a job that I spend entirely on my feet dealing with mundane questions about hair color and lipstick shades for $8.25 an hour. But, in some way, I like working there; maybe it will make those details less important.
I will live in a small room in my mom�s house and I will be able to save some money. When I am not running errands for my mom, working, and going to school, I�ll be sitting in that room. I don�t really have that many friends here. And the worst part of all this is that I know I am not going to see A all that much. He will be busy working on his films and taking photographs with the girl he is �in love� with. Plus, my mom is a �good Christian� and won�t let boys stay in my room. This means I will have tons of time to sit and read. This sounds nice. But, it also sounds lonely.
Which may also do me some good. Being alone.
School is pretty far from her house too. It�s about a 30 to 40 minute drive. Since parking there is not really an option (it�s like 600 bucks a year), I�ll just park somewhere and take the bus in for free.
Maybe I�ll get better grades with all the time I�ll have to sit there and read.
That boy from Kansas that I talked about before is a PhD student there though. Although his efforts to avoid it, I�ll probably see him around. This will be much like looking inside the window from outside.
So, it�s not the happy (nor proud) ending I was hoping to transcribe.
I do love A immensely.
But, the cavity doesn�t feel full.
And I am beginning to wonder if I ever will.