2002-12-06|9:46 a.m.
I wrote this at school on 12-04-02:
Somewhere, as I sit in the sun outside at school, I hear �Across the Universe� playing. It�s slightly muffled through distant corridors and at times becomes inaudible at passing conversations. It plays out the moment with perfection.
�Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup. They slither while they pass; they slip away across the universe.�
A broke up with me last night.
He certainly isn�t the first boy I have ever been in love with, but the fact that I�ve spent nearly everyday of five years with him makes it so much more poignant.
�Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes. They call me on and on across the universe.�
He was my first lover.
I cried most of the early morning, when he broke it to me:
�I still love you, but I am not �in love� with you.�
Nothing sounds like more bullshit than this to a broken heart.
The words we construct for the complex emotions that pass through us at these times are starved. They lack what words are meant for�meaning, communication, the ability to convey an idea. �I still love you, but I am not �in love� with you.�
The only idea that falls upon me is that my life will be much different now.
He wants us to remain friends.
It all seems like the lame clich�. Can we just be friends after being in a young and intense five year relationship? Can I have you around while I fall �in love� with other people? I don�t know. Maybe it is possible. It doesn�t seem possible for awhile at least. I have some more growing up to do.
I struggle with being angry with him for giving up, for making me feel used, for no longer being �in love� with me.
But, hours later as I sit here, the sun is warm on my back. It is comforting. It is amazing how alone I feel, and how mixed I feel about it all.
�Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box. They tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe.�
Soon, I will begin the new chapter in my life. One much more independent.
I scramble for the practical in this moment. Where will I live? What will I do to fix my financial mess that I have been met with recently (too little money chasing too many bills)? Should I move in with my mother? The thought seems depressing and stupid. Should I take up some random ad for a wanted roommate? The thought seems scary. What about getting to school and will I remain at my job?
I�ll have to figure it out. And I will. Moving on�
�Jai Guru Deva Om. Nothing's gonna change my world. Nothing's gonna change my world.�