2002-08-07|8:52 p.m.
Things between A and I are getting strange. Normally, when our relationship turns poor, I get really depressed about it. But, this time I am not, maybe because I have been dwelling on myself too much. Which may be the stem of the problem altogether.
But when I say that things are strange, I mean that they are not really bad. Things are never bad with A. A is too likable of a guy. It just gets horribly stale with brief points of satisfaction.
This conversation today is like all days:
�Hi, I thought you�d be at work,� I say. At which he gives me a look like I am stupid. �Yeah, I know. It was me that worked today,� I lamely joke.
MM is sitting in the room also. He and A are watching the local news. And I make chit chat about the Westerfield case, even though I am not really concerned about it, as I join A on the couch. I talk, even though, I know A isn�t listening and, even if MM is, he won�t respond. I do this sometimes because I dare something to change. I also do it because I am lonely.
A leaves the room for awhile. I assume to read about Che, who he has over the last six months become insanely interested in. He comes back for a brief moment and changes the channel, then changes it back and leaves the room. As he leaves, I ask him if he is ok. To which, he doesn�t answer. But, not in anger, just because A never answers this sort of question. Or if he does, it is some sort of mumble.
He and R later leave to go rent some video games. So, I come on here to read the news and my mail. A and R return and A enters the room to lie on the bed and stare at the ceiling. He asks what I am doing. And I tell him. And he continues to stare at the ceiling. So, I continue to read diaries. I ask if he is mad. He grunts no. I ask if he is sad. He repeats his response. I ask if he is anything. He tells me he is a nihilist.
To which I allude to the Big Lebowski, �So, you won�t mind if I cut off you toe.�
And then he leaves the room.
And tells me later that he feels annoyed with me.
And I ask later, matter of factly, �Are you still annoyed with me,� knowing that nothing has changed.
And life goes on like this.
So, I know I must be a jerk. I am troubled about things being mundane. It has been nearly five years now; what could I be expecting? Fireworks? There are sometimes. There are those brief moments I told you of. But, relationships are hard with nothing to base it on. Hollywood makes it impossible and real life makes it tragic. My dad is on his third marriage and my mom is on her second to a man she never loved.
So, I can�t help but believe I am doing everything wrong. By trying to make things work am I doing us both an injustice. A never wants to end it, ever. But, why, I wonder sometimes? It feels so often that I am pulling him through this. I don�t know anymore. I am not sad or urgent about it anymore. I am just going to wait. Somehow, I imagine that maybe A will find what he wants. Maybe, something I failed to give.
I don�t know. I guess I am lying. It does bother me. But, in a way I know it is really just my fault.
This word is on loan from D: Byzantine- characterized by a devious and usually surreptitious manner of operation/ intricately involved