2002-05-28|9:16 a.m.
"How can I convince you its me I don't like?"
One of things I like, not that there is many, about watching baseball games is being able to throw peanut shells on the ground. I am a real rebel, eh?
I was thinking about last entry. It is strange the way I need to feel normal by being verified by others. When I participate in most of my classes people either think I am crazy or they simply don't care. To me, I am just expressing the ideas that make sense to me. When no one seems to understand, an overwhelming feeling of loneliness overcomes me. I don't feel better until I talk to my friends with similar views and opinions or read something of similar sentiment. And sometimes I don't feel better at all.
A, Am, and I went apartment shopping this weekend. It was a bit stressful for me because I thought it was going to be unproductive. But, I ended up being wrong. We applied to places and are hoping that we pass the credit checks. Both places are pretty pricey compared to the place I live now (twice as much). But, between the three of us, we'll make it. There is only one hang up that keeps bothering me---finding a place that is comfortable for Holden. This must be annoying to Am, because it even bothers A. I just can't express how much I love that little dog. If I had to be away from him or see him sad, it would tear me to pieces.
My mom also helped us drive around to find places. She ended up being very kind the whole weekend. In fact, I kept getting the most intense feeling to bond with her. And, in someway, I did.
She is still a very depressed person. I can feel it being next to her. I mean, not to sound kooky, but I can feel most people's temperament just by being near them. This is not to say I have some special powers, only that I can sense something, even if it just means I pay attention. With her it was incredible. She is weighing 300 pounds or more these days. Taking care of my step-dad is just frustrating for her. And all these problems have a way of compounding guilt in the most personal way. I found myself on the verge of tears every moment I watched her.
Aram was kind enough to cut out an article about Orwell for me. Orwell has to be one of my very favorite people that ever existed. The article talked about how very normal he was, mentioning that he was by no means a genius. But that he was much more admirable for being honest, observant, and brave enough to live what he wrote. I really like that. Genius, although quite attractive, seems pretty much valueless without those traits you have to earn slowly through life and learning. In the article, they quote Orwell in which he describes a man writing a book review who stops to make a phone call but he cannot find his phone book. Orwell says that the man is filled with a tremendous suicidal emotion by the simple problem of not being able to find it. Orwell was writing of himself. And he was writing of many of us.
Word of the Day: aphorism- a concise statement of a principle/ a terse formulation of a truth or sentiment
"Life is short, Art long, Occasion sudden and dangerous, Experience deceitful, and Judgment difficult."--- Hippocrates