2002-04-12|9:10 a.m.
A and I have a communication problem. I mean not to say that we have only one communication problem, because I am sure that relationships of all kinds have more than one. I mean to say that we have one type that is a big, festering carbuncle of a problem.
It would be pointless to tell you how the problem works. It doesn't make sense enough to describe. Instead, let me bring you into my world.
"Hello, this is M in bookkeeping. How can I help you?" I drone on with a false ring of friendliness at the end.
"Hey," A greets.
"Hey," I return recognizing his voice.
"You busy?" he asks.
"Not really," I reply.
"I wanted to ask you what you were doing tonight," he says.
"Um�I dunno�maybe pack a little. Take a nap. Do a little homework," I answer.
"Oh ok. Well, I am going to try to get back tonight before too late," he says.
"Oh yeah," I remember suddenly, "You are going to that strip club tonight to see L." L is A's stripper friend that he makes dance mixes for. She always begs him to come see her. He hasn't seen her dance yet.
"It is not a strip club. It is a sports bar," he corrects.
"Oh yeah, I forgot what a sport's fan you are," I counter sarcastically.
"Ok, well�" he starts to say as I interrupt him. I realize how hypocritical all this is.
"Why ARE you going to this?" I ask.
"Um," he pauses. "To see L, my friend, dance."
"Yeah, sounds really friendly to watch some girl dance provocatively," I say unfairly. I realize I am not getting to my point.
"You don't want me to go now?" he says.
"No, I want you to do what you want," I say honestly.
"No you don't," he says.
"Ok, I am sorry. I just want you to see how unfair this is. You get mad because I hang out with J. You get mad because J plays me songs. Nothing happens and still you get mad. But I am ok with you going to see some girl get naked for you," I explain.
"She is getting naked. And she isn't dancing FOR me," he defends.
"No, she is. She gave you free passes. This night is for A," I rebut.
"Fine. I won't go," he grunts.
"No. That is not what I am saying. I just want you to see the double standard. I have to deal with your tantrums over hanging out with my friends. But, in all honesty, even though I am a bit jealous over this, I am ok with it," I explain.
"No you aren't and it doesn't matter. I am not going."
"You aren't getting it. I don't want you not to go. I want you to see something," I say.
"You want to throw this in my face."
"No, I want you to not be a jerk when I want to have friends."
"No. You don't want me to go."
"You know what. This is stupid. You do this every time. I try to explain something and you just say, 'Never mind.'"
"M, I get it. I am not going."
"No you aren't even listening. I am hanging up. Goodbye," I say and hang up.
He didn't end up going.
I feel bad that I made him feel like he couldn't go. I mean, I didn't want him to go. It is that animalistic drive to keep your mate all to yourself. But, I did want him to have that freedom. I wanted to show him that I can let him do these things and that I trust him. But, it really irritates me when he does that fine-I-won't-go-stuff. I know he knew what I was saying. He just wanted to stop my point before it could be held as an example for the future. He wants to be able to hold his jealousy as a tool, and he is willing to not go see his friend to do it.
Even still, I don't feel bad today. I am glad that we aren't fighting anymore about it. I just wish that we could get past that block that keeps things stagnant in some ways.
Word of the Day: tenacious- not easily pulled apart/ persistent in maintaining or adhering to something valued or habitual