2002-01-25|9:29 a.m.
I am slowly losing fans. I guess I can't blame them.
J and I went out to lunch yesterday. It was pleasant. We talked about a lot of things from riots at high schools to air signs (which apparently I am, being a Gemini, and according to J it makes me ramble when nervous). I was certainly nervous, and he admitted he was too, but our equal level of nervousness made some type of comfortable level to communicate (with exception to my ramblings).
I also called him later that night. I know that is a little weird, but I really didn't want to wait. We talked more about his life philosophies, which basically come down to feeling that everyone should be allotted their own autonomy. It is sort of whole concept that all humans have unalienable rights by just being human (of the Mr. John Locke himself), but with some type of spirituality as its basis. J was extremely logical in everything he said. He probably wouldn't get along with Woody Allen characters.
At one point on the phone I confess, "I think I would be really sad if you didn't want to be my friend." There is a long pause.
"Why do you need me to be your friend? There are many people in the world that you will get along with and many that you won't. That is just the way it is. You need to be happy being yourself," he corrects me.
I see logic. But, I also don't pretend that my irrational, emotional insecurities are somewhat more powerful sometimes.
J likes psychedelics. He tells me that on an acid trip once he thought he was going to die. After that he felt better about being alive. He also stopped listening to music as much.
Aside from the drugs, I do think we have a lot in common though. He just might be a lot less hung up by his super ego than I might, I suppose.
The bad news is that he is losing his job as a courier boy. I guess he got in an accident while working and corporate office needs to feel that the damages they are paying for are met with his termination to make things even. He told me that last month he got employee of the month. Funny that.
We stopped talking because A showed up and wanted to fight more or less. He was angry and told me that we were breaking up. I explained that he needed to trust me, and that I wasn't going to leave him because I needed to make a friend. He kept asking, "Do you love me," and "Are you bored of me?" I assured him that I wasn't rejecting him. I was very simply finding a bit of independence. I think he feels better, at least a little. He seemed happy this morning.
Wesley Willis is tonight. And since I feel a lot better, I am super jazzed about seeing him. The more I learn about him, the more respect I have for him. A made me a shirt for the evening. The pink shirt says, "I (heart) Wesley."
My hair is in pigtails today.
Word of the Day: bona fide- good faith or sincerity/ evidence of one's qualifications