2002-10-02|1:37 p.m.
Ughhh. I am horribly sick. My nose is leaking and my body is barely propping itself upon this desk. And I�ll spare you the gruesome details of what I actually look like, because not even Medusa has something on me.
Plus, for the last week I have this dime-sized, bright red pimple on the tip of my little nose. And it is still haunting me and those who have to look at me.
To cheer me up, I am playing the new Coldplay album. I really like it. Most people really got so annoyed with the overplaying of �Yellow� that they wrongfully thought that they were corporate rock. They aren�t and you can read all about it in Spin if you want.
Aww man, I just looked at A�s sweater I am wearing. I managed to get snot on his Jurassic Five sweater. Sacrilege. I better wash this before we go see them at our school next week. I can imagine the opportunity of actually meeting them and A handing over his arm for a hand shake and exposing the long snail trail-like line of mucus.
The worst thing about being sick today is that I am missing a day of school in the first week. That is really bad. And, even worse than that is that I am missing my first discussion for one of my classes. This is worse.
So, while being sick, I am also nervous and down. I am a bit afraid of getting in trouble and I am also sad that the whole situation sucks.
But, that isn�t the only reason why I am here. You know me. I have to bog you down with a million mundane details of my life before I actually work up the bravery to tell you what is actually on my mind.
Several nights ago, I had a dream about my uncle, the one who died recently from cancer. The dream took place in my apartment and it was his funeral. It was open casket and everyone was peering down inside his box. Strangely, he looked very much like his father, my grandpa. Did I ever write in here that my uncle died the same date that my grandpa had years before? In the dream, my uncle began to cough and slowly wake up. He explained to group of us, very shocked at this point, that he was merely sleeping and that the rest had cured his illness. He gave all of us hugs. My grandma was crying with the utmost happiness. In the dream, I sneaked away astonished. I began calling religious figures from the phone book. I have no idea how this was listed; maybe it was like this, �Religious Icons� and each had a (777) area code. I dunno, it is a dream and allowed a certain amount of absurdness. So, I dialed a few. Each person was speechless. They said that God wouldn�t allow this.
I woke up.
I felt such longing.
In fact, death was troubling my thoughts a lot recently. I remember shortly after I fell deeply in love with A, I began to feel mortal for the first time. I began to feel frightened of death and slept very little and began the worst episodes of panic attacks I have ever had. I imagined the end as the end. Nothing left. It seemed so tragic; I love life far too much. Then, one day, I simply stopped thinking about it all.
It went away and would try to visit every once in awhile, but I�d just push it far away. And it was returning.
The last time we drove from the desert to San Diego, A and R began talking about religion. R had grown up in a family of Christian pastors and although he won�t go to church anymore, he is very much a believer. A grew up a Catholic and became jaded in his mid-teens. A thinks he is an atheist, although I know better. I always just ask sincere questions in situations like this, where A asks questions that can�t be answered, thinking that it proves it false. But in contrast to these guys, I grew up without religion. My parents had been so turned off by their own religions, one a Jehovah�s Witness and the other an Episcopalian; they had no answers to give or cared to.
R explained his concept of hell. Because, in reality, that is what we really care about. We either don�t want it to exist at all in our minds or we fear that it is exactly what they say. Or, what R says, �It is everything that you could imagine. The most painful, annoying, and horrible things multiplied by 100, and then you still have no idea how bad it is.� I cringed at this.
A said nonchalantly that it wasn�t anything but a concept created by man to create order in other human beings. I never have the ability to dismiss things so easily.
I told R that if this was really the case, that I was pretty pissed off. I explained, �It seems horrid to condemn anyone to that. I couldn�t love a creator that would wish that upon us.�
R said, �Yeah, a lot of people say that. They don�t realize the amazing opportunity that life is already. They can�t just be thankful for that.�
I responded, �I am still very grateful for this, while also being upset by this idea. What is the point of eternal condemnation of the worst kind? There is nothing to learn from. Life has already been lived.�
�You forget that people here on earth have such systems. The death penalty. And this is considered justice,� He said. I laughed.
�Ha, that convinces me with nothing. It gives me more reason to distrust the death penalty.�
And R shut me up, �Well, whether you like it or not it is there and waiting.�
We sat in silence for awhile. I think that maybe even A thought about this a little more than usual.
Then, we heard a stiffened sob. It was R.
�And what really breaks me heart,� he paused and sobbed again. �Is someone like my dad. It breaks my heart. He tells me, �Remember what you know.� And it is because he wants better for me than what he is. He wants so badly to start over. He wants to go back to church. But he can�t. I mean, he does really bad things. He beats people up, including me. He does so many drugs. His whole early life was about being a thug and he has never really gone past that.� He paused again and sobbed. �It really breaks my heart that he will have to go there and all he really wants, but will never do, is to be a better man.�
And he cried.
I held his arm and I told him I was sorry, but he didn�t want me to. So, I pulled away.
I cried so much that night.
And when I woke up the next morning, I felt so much better. It was as if everything I was uncertain and upset about was cleared away in my sleep.
Like my uncle, all I needed was to sleep and the cancer went away.