2001-05-23|10:29 p.m.
walk backwards and i will always know who is coming. yes, you show your better side last.
i've been stuck in a rut lately. nothing makes me feel satisfied. i was thinking today about the quote from stephen crane, something like, "one must swallow swords in order to eat grapes." i keep telling myself that when i think that nothing will work. i remind my self of burning monks and starving children. i remind myself of the delicate balance between good and evil and pleasant and unpleasant. except today, i reached a psuedo-epiphany. i am not suffering. i am not the character in a novel reaching climax (not that kind either) about to see the other side. i am jill's narrowed vision. i am what becomes of people when they stop looking around them. i am stuck in a rut because i forget to just get out of it. i am not going through anything to feel what the opposite feeling has to give to me. i am just doing the same thing everyday the same way everytime. i like constant, comfortable situations. unfortunately, i afterawhile it makes me boring. so, for my first entry, i accept that i am not special for feeling bad about this. i have just been mundane.
word of the day: postlude-- a closing piece of music/ a closing phase (as of an epoch or a literary work)