2003-06-30|2:35 a.m.
It is a fresh wound every time. I love A as much as my love will allow, which means a great, great deal. Enough that I give and give and give, maybe until there is nothing left. And he will never quite love me that much.
The day before yesterday, A asked if he could bring me lunch at work the next day (I still work at my old work, but only once a week for the employee discount and the supplemental income). Of course I was thrilled. So, we made the plans.
The next day, he called that morning to say that he might not make it. He was out drinking with friends and left his car at work and drove home with them. I said ok, just call me either way, so I know. He said ok. I went to work.
2:45 PM- wondering where A is. Maybe he�s not coming.
3:00 PM- wondering where A is. Maybe he�s late bringing food because: a) traffic, b) they took long making it, c) wild dogs smelled the delicious meal and attacked. Maybe he�s not coming.
3:15 PM- wondering where A is and if I should clock out. I don�t want to clock out too early and miss out on time spent with him. I call his house and leave a message. Maybe he�s not coming.
3:20 PM- He�s not coming.
Span of lunch break- Perks up when someone comes into room. No one is A.
At nearly 2 AM today, he signs online:
him: hi miss M
shesajarofcandy: hi A
him: thats an upset hi A, isnt it?
shesajarofcandy: no
shesajarofcandy: feeling guilty?
him: actually no
him: i do miss you though
shesajarofcandy: yeah, i know... you're good at that
shesajarofcandy: not feeling guilty that is
him: i know what you were referring to
him: i wasnt home at 3 so i couldnt call you
shesajarofcandy: why didn't you call before then
shesajarofcandy: to say you wouldn't be home?
shesajarofcandy: and where were you?
shesajarofcandy: that no phones existed?
him: i was out with mike and uli on the beach
shesajarofcandy: well
shesajarofcandy: you made plans with me
shesajarofcandy: polite people cancel plans
him: well i told you this morning that i might not make it cause i had no car
shesajarofcandy: right
him: and i didnt
shesajarofcandy: and i asked you to call
him: well im sorry about that M
shesajarofcandy: no
shesajarofcandy: you arent
him: i couldnt call
shesajarofcandy: yeah, you could have
him: i didnt get home till 8.30
shesajarofcandy: A
shesajarofcandy: you could have called before you went to the beach
him: well i didnt
shesajarofcandy: knowing that you'd not make it
shesajarofcandy: yeah
shesajarofcandy: you didn't
shesajarofcandy: i like to be treated with consideration
him: you know i dont want to deal with this right now
him: im sorry i didnt call
shesajarofcandy: well, what ever you don't want to deal with
shesajarofcandy: it's all about you
him: goodnight M
On my birthday, A got a really awesome film opportunity and couldn�t come to have breakfast with me like he�d planned. I didn�t blame him. I was really cool. The sucky part, though, was that he didn�t call until 3PM that day to say he couldn�t come and he was so abrupt that he even forgot to wish me a happy birthday. He told me later that he didn�t call earlier because he didn�t want to hear me be disappointed. As if shirking me off but not having to hear it was better. Then, to add insult to injury, he turned it around on me.
�Why didn�t you call me the day before? You could have called me. It works both ways.� (I had called the day of my birthday twice a little worried that something happened to him.)
I wasn�t falling for the trick.
�Call you? You didn�t forget! You purposely didn�t call me.�
But he says sorry. He always says sorry in the end. And ten minutes after that it is supposed to be all ok.
Plus, it looks like no one is even coming to my birthday party. I emailed a bunch of people asking them to email me their addresses so I could send them invitations, and only one person wrote back. My normal 3-4 friends will come to my party of course. But I had so much planned and so much put into it, that it hurts even worse.
What did I do? Have most people just stopped liking me?
I�m not really sad or anything. I just feel lonely.